ComPuter ~ Hacking

"!sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW"
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?"
"E=Mc^5...nahhh...E=Mc^4...nahh...E=Mc^3...ah, the hell with it."
"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI?
"Today's subliminal thought is:"
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'
'Profanity: the universal programming language'
..... REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe
...now touch these wires to your tongue!
.signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn]
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.
:-) :-> ;-) :) "Smilies everyone, Smilies" Mr.Rourke
<-------- The information went data way -------->
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it to do.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
A computer's attention span is only as long as its extension cord.
A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates them.
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. - Laura Creighton
A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth
A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the irrelevant.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author. - Johnson
A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?
A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?
A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
APL is a write-only language. - Roy Keir
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - Brook
Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it.
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
All computers run at the same speed...with the power off.
All new: The software is not compatible with previous versions.
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All you need to know is the user interface. - J. Redford
An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - D. E. Knuth
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Another megabytes the dust.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. - Ted Nelson
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. - Kulawiec
Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the movies.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. - Weisert
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines can swim.
Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).
Avoid unnecessary branches.
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. - Seymour Papert
BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!
Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - Tom Lehrer
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein
Brain fried; core dumped.
Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.
Breakthrough: It nearly booted on the first try.
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!
CCCP:> format CCCP: /u
CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
Choose variable names that will not be confused.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.
Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.
Computers are only human.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. - Gilb
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso
Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.
Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. - Thomas
Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. - Kernigan
Customer: A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain.
DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
Debugger: A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought.
Design simplicity: It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
Design: The activity of preparing for a design review.
Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.
Disc space, the final frontier!
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Do you like me for my brain or my baud?
Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?"
Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm.
Don't document the program; program the document.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
Don't stop at one bug.
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
EBCDIC: Erase, Back up, Chew Disk, Ignite Card
E Pluribus UNIX.
Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.
Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. - Tom Christiansen
Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.
Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue...
Every bug you find is the last one.
Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation.
Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts. - Kulawiec
Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India.
Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*
Futuristic: It only runs on the next-generation supercomputer.
Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
God is real, unless declared integer.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N)
How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...
How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
I am the computer your mother warned you about.
I bet the human brain is a kludge. - Marvin Minsky
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - Isaac Asimov
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I just found the last bug.
I modem, but they grew back.
I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
I smell a wumpus.
I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it. - Turing
I used to have a life, then I got v32bis!
I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day.
I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes.
IBM: I Blame Mathematics
IBM: I Breaks Monthly
IBM: I Bring Madness
IBM: I Broke Mine
IBM: I Built Mine
IBM: I bring manuals
IBM: I'd Be Misinforming
IBM: I'd Buy Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I'm Being Manipulated
IBM: I'm Beyond Mistakes
IBM: I'm Buying Macintosh
IBM: I've Become Magnanimous
IBM: I've Been Mangled
IBM: I've Been Mauled
IBM: I've Been Mesmerized
IBM: I've Been Misled
IBM: Ici Beaucoup Merde
IBM: Iconoclastic Bilateral Monopoly
IBM: Icons Bygones My Mom's
IBM: Idealistically Backwards Microcomputers
IBM: Ideas Bring Money
IBM: Idiots Became Managers
IBM: Idiots Being Mental
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Idle Brain Malfunction
IBM: Ifs Buts Maybys
IBM: Ill'manners Being Mandatory
IBM: Ill-mannered Besotten Macrocasm
IBM: Illustrious Bankruptcy Malenfactor
IBM: Illustrious Busy Mice
IBM: Imbecile Bad Micros
IBM: Imensa Bola De Manteca
IBM: Imitable Boring Microcomputers
IBM: Immeasurable Bigheaded Malapert
IBM: Immovable Brash Monolith
IBM: Impeccably Blue-dressed Managers
IBM: Imperial Bellicose Marauder
IBM: Imperialist by Marketing
IBM: Impersonal Bellicose Magnate
IBM: Impious Bacchnalain Metropolis
IBM: In Business (for) Money
IBM: Inadequates Becoming Millionaires
IBM: Inane Brutish Merchandising
IBM: Incompatible Blue Machines
IBM: Inconsistent Business machines
IBM: Incontinent Bandolerisimo Moloch
IBM: Increasingly Bad Manufacturing
IBM: Increasingly Banal Movement
IBM: Incredible Bowel Movement
IBM: Incredibly Bad Merchandising
IBM: Incredibly Ballsey Marketeers
IBM: Incredibly Belligerent Marketing
IBM: Incredibly Big Manufacturer
IBM: Incredibly Big Monster
IBM: Incredibly Bloody Minded
IBM: Incredibly Boastful Mercenary
IBM: Incredibly Boring Manuals
IBM: Incredibly Broad Monolopy
IBM: Incredibly Bullying Menace
IBM: Indecision Breeds Mistakes
IBM: Indecorous Big-named Medusoid
IBM: Indigestion Bothers Me
IBM: Industry Bowel Movement
IBM: Industry's Biggest Mistake
IBM: Industry's Bulging Monolith
IBM: Inept Bulling Menace
IBM: Inevitably Bad Marketing
IBM: Inferior Before Macintosh
IBM: Infernal Biggest Mistake
IBM: Infernal Blue Machines
IBM: Infinite Budget Merchandising
IBM: Infinitely Baffling Motives
IBM: Inherently Bad Manuals
IBM: Innovation By Management
IBM: Insanely Better Marketing
IBM: Insensitivity Begets Mediocrity
IBM: Inshallah Burak Ma'lesh
IBM: Insidious Byzantine Mentality
IBM: Insignificant Bothersome Machine
IBM: Insipidly Bankrolling Millions
IBM: Insolent Bickering Mal-der-mer
IBM: Install Bigger Memory
IBM: Insulting Boorish Manner
IBM: Insultingly Boring Microcomputers
IBM: Intensely Boring Machines
IBM: Intentionally Braindamaged Machinery
IBM: Intercourse Beats Masturbation
IBM: Interesting But Mediocre
IBM: Interesting But Mundane
IBM: Intergalactic Bottomline Mistake
IBM: Internals By Mediocrity
IBM: International Bit Mangler
IBM: International Bowel Movement
IBM: Intersmashable Byte manipulators
IBM: Into Building Money
IBM: Intriguingly Blue Motif
IBM: Invented By Maladroits
IBM: Invented By Marketing
IBM: Invented By Murphy
IBM: Irresponsibility Behaved Multinational
IBM: It Broke Be
IBM: It's Become Monolithic
IBM: It's Been Malfunctioning
IBM: It's Better 'morrow
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: It's Beyond Monolithic
IBM: It's Broke Ma'am
IBM: It's Bugging Me
IBM: It's Bullshit Mommery
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Mentality
IBM: Itty Bitty Mouse
IBM: Itty Bity Maharishi
If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O ports.
If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". - Kernighan
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. - Schryer
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
Implementation is the sincerest form of flattery.
In /dev/null no one can hear you scream
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - Brian Reid
In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. - Alan Perlis
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. - Wilkes, 1949
It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your child processes are?
It's here at last: We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Know Thy User.
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Last one out, turn off the computer!
Let the machine do the dirty work. - Elements of Programming Style
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection on Monday.
Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.
MC Hammer, n. Device used to ensure firm seating of MicroChannel boards
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Machine independent code isn't.
Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
Maintenance free: It's impossible to fix.
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Make input easy to proofread.
Make it right before you make it faster.
Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
Make sure comments and code agree.
Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S. Barton
Me and my two friends... GIF and Wesson.
Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.
Meets quality standards: It compiles without errors.
Memory dump: Amnesia...
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...
Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel.
My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.
My computer NEVER cras
My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI.
My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. She sells C shells by the seashore.
Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded theater.
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - Steinbach
Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor
Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. - Jackson
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.
Never write software that patronizes the user.
New: It comes in different colors from the previous version.
Nice computers don't go down.
No extensible language will be universal. - T. Cheatham
No line available at 300 baud.
No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
Objects are closer than they appear.
Old mail has arrived.
Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button
On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Denning
On a clear disk you can seek forever...
One if by LAN, two if by C. - Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski
One man's constant is another man's variable. - Perlis
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.
People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. - Jon Bentley
Performance is easier to add than clarity.
Performance proven: It works through beta test.
Portable: Survives system reboot.
Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
Printed on 100% recyclable phosphor.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Programmer: One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software engineer.
Programmers do it bit by bit.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Programming is an unnatural act.
Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
Programs: What software used to be, back when we knew how to write it.
Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat.
Quality assurance: A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally.
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe......
REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?
Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE
Real programs don't eat cache.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm) Revolutionary:
Disk drives go round and round. Revolutionary:

[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]
[Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. - Peter Norton
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
fortune: No such file or directory
"From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere." -- Dr. Seuss
"The joyfulness of a man prolongeth his days." -- New Testament
Translation: Laugh and you'll live longer...
There are two ways to live: one is as if nothing is a miracle; the other as if everything is. -- Albert Einstein
"In order to deviate successfully, one has to have at least a passing acquaintance with whatever norm one expects to deviate from." -- Frank Zappa, from The Real Frank Zappa Book
"Claudia, you're the only woman who's accepted me for the man I can't help being..." -- Paul, on Spin City, proposing to Claudia
"For a change, lady luck seemed to be smiling on me. Then again, maybe the fickle wench was just lulling me into a false sense of security while she reached for a rock." -- The Icarus Hunt, by Timothy Zahn
"Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar." -- Drew Carey
"He (the husband) was trying to help... (with the kids), but... well, you know..." -- Christina Krol
"You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for freedom and liberty." -- Henrik Ibsen
"For those of you who like to lie awake nights and worry about things ponder this: the United States Navy will be building an aircraft carrier that will run its communications systems, aircraft launch, and weapons systems using Microsoft Windows-based operating systems." -- TNPCN
"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, play solitaire, solve equations, analyze a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." -- Robert Heinlein (slightly edited)
"I know that if I just beat my head against the wall long enough, an idea will infallibly result, but there is always the nameless terror that maybe this time the Muse is not merely hitchhiking through Georgia but has been kidnapped, murdered and tumbled into a ditch. Or maybe she's mad at me." -- David Lance Goines, from Goines Posters
Theory vs practice: "In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is." -- Yogi Berra
"It's important that people should know what you stand for. It's equally important that they know what you won't stand for." -- Mary H. Waldrip
I can only conclude that I'm paying off karma at a vastly accelerated rate. -- Lt. Cmdr. Susan Ivanova ("Points of Departure", Babylon 5)
In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said: "Let there be light!" And there was still nothing, but you could see it. -- Unknown
From a distance, it is impossible to tell if an administrator associated with your project is sitting on his hands or covering his butt. -- Unknown
Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. -- Howard Aiken
The scientist does not study nature because it is useful; he studies it because he delights in it, and he delights in it because it is beautiful. If nature were not beautiful, it would not be worth knowing, and if nature were not worth knowing, life would not be worth living. -- Jules Henri Poincaré
The issue is not whether you are paranoid. Look around you Lenny. The issue is whether you are paranoid enough. -- Strange Days
Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum sonatur.
(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound).
A life with neither misery nor pleasure is an empty, neutral existance... to actively seek nothingness is worse than defeat... how can you admire a human who consciously embraces the bland, the mediocre, and the safe rather than risk the suffering that disappointments can bring? -- Tom Robbins
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. -- Bob Ettinger
God is like, so cool. Think of the coolest person in your life. He made that person. And he's cooler than that. -- Justine Bateman
The White House has always attracted the mentally ill.
-- Vincent Charles, Secret Service Agent
(explaining why security was heightened around the White House)
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. -- Lily Tomlin
"The purpose of the experiment was to identify those who objected to it taking place" -- Vladimir Nabakov, the novelist
"Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." --Groucho Marx
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Phillips
Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye"
"At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly contradictory attitudes - an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the field on track." -- Carl Sagan
"In science it often happens that scientists say, 'You know that's a really good argument; my position is mistaken,' and then they actually change their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion." -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address
"The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson
"If I had not been a monk, I would have become an engineer." -- The Dalai Lama
"If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity." -- Bill Vaughan
"Never interrupt someone doing something you said couldn't be done." -- Amelia Earhart
I blinked at her. "Uh, I find I'm astonished again. How is this place run? Is it an anarchy?" Hazel shrugged. Justin Foote looked thoughtful. "No I wouldn't say so. It is not that well organized." -- Robert A. Heinlein: The Cat Who Walks Through Walls
Mowery's Observation: "It's hard to make things foolproof because fools are so darn ingenious." -- Dave Mowery
A foolish man speaks before he thinks, a wise man thinks before he speaks, but a godly man lets his life speak for him. -- author unknown
"I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is." -- Forrest Gump
The Wisdom and Weirdness of Douglas Adams
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." -- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
"Don't try to outweird me, I get stranger things than you with my breakfast cereal every morning." - Zaphod BeebleBrox
"Curiously enough, the only thing that went through the mind of the bowl of petunias as it fell was 'Oh no, not again.' Many people have speculated that if we knew exactly why the bowl of petunias had thought that we would know a lot more about the nature of the Universe than we do now." -- Douglas Adams
For a moment, nothing happened. Then, after a second or so, nothing continued to happen. -- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"
Various Tag Lines
No matter what happens... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
API (Poland): A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening."
Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who need closure. -- Mark Schmidt
Warning: Belief in strange ideas does not guarantee that strange ideas will believe in you.
'Have you tried re-installing?' is a registered trademark of Microsoft Corp.
If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
I'll never forget what grandpa said right before he passed away: "Aaaaah! No! NO! Aaaaaiiiee! Get it offa me! Get it off!! Aieeeergh!"
I'll never forget what grandpa said right before he passed away: "Let's see here... Red on yellow... OK, this one's a King snake, see?"
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming and yelling in terror like his passengers.
Intuition (n): an uncanny sixth sense which tells people that they are right, whether they are or not.
It's never too late to have a happy childhood.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that people aren't out to get you.
Just because you're you doesn't mean I'm not.
Motto of the Bomb Squad: If you see us running, you'd better catch up.
Politicians, like diapers, should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons.
Heisenberg may have been here.
Error - Keyboard not found.. Press Enter to Continue
Maturity is for those too young to know better
If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate
From the perspective of quantum theory, you don't look at light, it looks at you... probably.
PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Complicated Internet Acronyms
Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!
Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Last night I blasted a blank tape at full volume. The mime next door went nuts.
Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Perl: the only language that looks the same before and after RSA encryption
...so when the project started we all drew lots to see who would be made the scapegoat if it fails...
iMac: never trust a product which is hyped on the basis of its packaging...
Your mouse has moved. Windows NT must be rebooted for the changes to take effect.
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather restraints...
Ahh, arrogance and stupidity all in one package. How very efficient! -- Babylon 5
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
All generalizations are false.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Baroque (adj.): When you are out of Monet.
Warning! Humor may be hazardous to your depression!
I'm lost. I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, please ask me to wait.
Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two and keep away from children.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Three: one to hold the giraffe, the other to fill the bathtub with the brightly-coloured machine tools.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
Insanity is my only means of relaxation
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness
What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in its wake.
If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd.
Sign on Interstate 10, Near Phoenix, "AZ State Prison Ahead: Do Not Stop for Hitchhikers"
life, n.: A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
Profanity: the universal programming language.
Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg, p.152
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in. -Dykstra
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette
You're just jealous because the voices talk only to me.
Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Elvis is dead and I'm not feeling too good myself.
NyQuil -The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine
Be yourself. No one can ever tell you you're doing it wrong.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I'm not different, I'm statistically challenged
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ... or something like that.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
No trees were killed in the sending of this message. However a large number of electrons were temporarily inconvenienced.
Repeat after me, "we are all individuals..."
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's just that yours is stupid.
Live your life so that when you die, the preacher won't have to tell lies at your funeral.
Life is short, make fun of it.
If you can't beat 'em, arrange to have 'em beaten.
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. If it's you against the world, bet on the world.
If there's one thing we learn from history, it's that we don't learn from history.
There is no mechanical or electronic problem so difficult that it can not be solved by brute force and ignorance.
You do not have to believe in miracles to depend upon them.
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail. But a true friend will be sitting in jail with you saying, "Man! that was fun!"
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Welcome to the Brave New World. Hope everyone brought an antacid?
If that wasn't enough for you, see Bumper Snickers and One-Liners.
Laws, Rules and Theorems Explaining the Working of the Universe
Stapp's Ironical Paradox, AKA Stapp's Law: the universal aptitude for ineptitude makes any human accomplishment an incredible miracle.
Treiman's Theorem: Impossible things don't usually happen.
O'Reilly's law of the kitchen: Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Lieberman's law: Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Denniston's law: Virtue is its own punishment.
Gold's law: If the shoe fits, its ugly.
Conway's law: In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person should be fired.
Finster's law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Lynch's law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Muir's law: When we try to separate anything out by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.
Glyme's formula for success: The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.
Mason's first law of synergism: The one day you'd sell your birthright for something, birthrights are a glut.
Hanlon's razor: Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
Handy guide to modern science: If it's green or wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
Green's law of debate: Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.
Stewart's law of retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
First rule of history: History doesn't repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.
Oliver's law of location: No matter where you go, there you are.
Harrison's postulate: For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.
Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.
Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.
Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no positive effect on your take-home pay.
Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.
Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.
The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.
Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.
Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.
Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.
Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
Hacking Tricks Latest
The difference between genius and stupidity is; genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
W. C. Fields
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?
Dick Cavett
Everything ends this way in France - everything. Weddings, christenings, duels, funerals, swindlings, diplomatic affairs - everything is a pretext for a good dinner.
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off."
Tommy Cooper
"Security puts a premium on feebleness."
H.G. Wells
"I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less."
Eddie Izzard
"I have nothing to declare except my genuis."
Oscar Wilde
"Money couldn't buy you friends, but you get a better class of enemy."
Spike Milligan
"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less."
Brendan Francis
" At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual."
Partick Moore
"I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants."
A. Whitney Brown
"All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women."
W.C.Fields
"I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterwards."
Rudyard Kipling
"If it weren't for the killings, Washington would have one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry
"Seven out of ten people suffer from hemmorhoids." Does this mean that the other three enjoy it?
Sal Davino
"Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are driving taxi cabs and cutting hair."
George Burns
"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in."
Richard Jeni
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
Napoleon Bonaparte
"A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often."
Oliver Herford
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone
"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)
"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"
Arnold Schwarzenegger
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?"
Steven Wright
"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."
Johnny Carson
"I've often thought that the process of aging could be slowed down if it had to go through Congress."
George Bush
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."
David Letterman
"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde
"Arrogant and right is surely better than humble and wrong."
Geoff Arbuthnot
"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches."
Jim Carrey
"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips
"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld
"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan
"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." "A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'."
Woody Allen
"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Henry Youngman
"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips
"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright
"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."
Freddie Starr
"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan
"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden."
Eric Morecambe
"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson a.k.a. Mr. Bean
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love ."
Woody Allen
"I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members."
Groucho Marx